One Year of Infertility

What?! How am I already writing a “one year” post on this subject? It feels like just yesterday we “decided to start trying” and I never thought in a MILLION years I would be a person to struggle with this. I’ve been thinking about how I wanted to write this post but each and every time I thought about what I would write, I just started crying. This subject is touchy. This subject is heart wrenching and life changing and brings so many mixed emotions into my life. 

I often wonder if I should be sharing these types of things on my blog. Should I be writing about the absolute, most intimate parts of my life? I get nervous. Nervous for peoples reactions, nervous about how people might perceive me, and nervous about saying too much and not being able to take any of it back. Isn’t that the beautiful part of having a blog, though? I get to share and share and share and maybe someone, just one person, they might relate. They might take something away from my post or they might feel uplifted, inspired, or even as if they aren’t alone. That is why I do this. That is why I post these scary, yet real posts. It is my life. It’s OUR life. And I love sharing our story. 

April 2014 was the month M and I decided we would “stop preventing”. Part of me hates myself for being SO naive to think it would just “happen”. On the other hand, how was I to know? No one plans for these types of situations. Absolutely no one. The first few months went by and I just kept telling myself “it’s okay, we just need time”. After 6 months had passed I felt absolutely crushed. I felt angry and confused and hurt and every emotion in-between. 

Trying for a baby is a funny thing. I go through different episodes of crazy which is one of the worst things about all of this. Some days i’m TRULY okay with where we’re at. But on my bad days, I cry. I cry constantly and I feel like a complete and utter psycho. I cry knowing things aren’t going according to my plan. It’s a hard thing to cope with. Every time my cycle comes I sit on the bathroom floor and cry and pray to God this is my last month I have to go through this. I pray constantly that I’m ready to be a mom again. And not to mention the clomid has made me 129485920 times more crazy and emotional than I already am. But you already knew that because of my last blog post. 

This past year has, through everything, been amazing. Every second with M has truly been a fairytale since the day I met him. We’ve grown together like CRAZY through this adventure called infertility. I truly don’t know where I would be without him and his support. (Well, I wouldn’t be trying for a baby, but that’s besides the point.) M and I work. Our teamwork is phenomenal and the both of us together are unstoppable. I think you have to have a pretty strong husband to deal with you during your TTC journey. So once again, shout out to my husband for dealing with me. 

This week is National Infertility Awareness Week. I’m sharing our journey in hopes that someone else will share theirs. Infertility isn’t “normal”. It’s not easy to deal with and it’s emotionally draining. You are not alone. If you are struggling with infertility, i’m here to tell you that you are NOT alone. This is our story. This is our journey. This is our life and I couldn’t love it any more if I tried.

(Picture over the past year that truly make me smile. I love you, M. Thanks for creating this life with me and giving me everything I could ask for and more.)

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Am I Really Posting This?

The life of a blogger is a weird one. You put so much of your life on the internet and hope that people don’t rip apart your every move. In an effort to keep your blog going good, most people post lots of fun, uplifting, heart-happy posts. I love doing that myself, but I also like being real. I like posting about what truly is happening in my life. I feel like in doing that, the people who read my blog have a more personal connection with me and I absolutely LOVE that. 

I have a lot of things I don’t blog about. In an odd sense though, I wish I did blog about them. Blogging is my therapy. I also have a lot of “unpopular opinions” about things. This post is dedicated to all those things. Sit tight, buckle up, and prepare yourself for a side of me you’ve never seen….

>>>I thought that at some point after moving to the middle of nowhere USA I would regret it. I can wholeheartedly say I have yet to regret it. Not even once. 

>>>I’m 95% sure I suffer from depression.

>>>”If i’m not between a 3 and a 7 on the emotion scale, i’m crying.” If you know what that reference is from, we can be friends. Also, it is 100% true that if I’m not somewhere in that range, i’m crying. Too happy…crying. Too sad…crying. It’s a fun trait to have. My husband especially loves it. (Poor guy)

>>>I actually don’t agree with women whipping their boobies out and breastfeeding with no coverup. I understand they are feeding their child, but why not cover up?!? (I know i’ll get a lot of hate for this one. Sue me.)

>>>I have chronic fatigue and it is the thing I am the most insecure about (besides my complexion). Everyone that knows me knows that I take naps more than my child and most of the time I’m in bed by 8 pm. I hate that about myself. Sometimes I literally CANNOT physically keep my eyes open. People mock me about it all the time and I know it’s all in good fun, but it is something I am truly embarrassed about and absolutely hate. 

>>>The smell of ketchup after it’s been sitting on a plate is literally the most disgusting smell in the entire universe. Like to the point where it makes me gag. 

>>>I think about death every. single. day. And not in a “I hate life and I think about dying” kind of way. Just every day I wonder if this is the day i’m going to get into a fatal car crash or if someone is going to invade my home and shoot me. 

>>>I think a “stay at home wife” is the biggest joke. What do you do all day when you don’t have kids?!

Well folks, there it is. A few things I thought I would never post on my blog. Feel free to judge me, or feel free to comment below and let me know if you relate to any of these things! I truly appreciate every single one of you who took the time to read this post. It wasn’t an easy one for me to post, but i’m happy I did. 

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Clomid, You Dirty Little Skank…

Well, month one of clomid has came and went. It was one of the worst months i’ve had yet. 
The whole time i’m telling myself “this is all worth it and in the end I will be so extremely grateful”….i’m really questioning myself at this point, only because half of the month I wanted to murder someone/something/have 500 “adult beverages”.

First month on clomid in a nutshell: 
-I have literally cramped every. single. day since I started my first pill. Is that normal? Probably not, but neither is 95% of my reproductive system, so there’s that. And I don’t just mean like “oh wahhh, I have a little cramp” it’s the “*insert curse words*, grunt, cry, is this gonna kill me?!” type of cramps. Did I mention it’s every single day?

-I have had the worst headaches of my entire life. Again, headaches so bad i’m convinced they are going to kill me. The headaches where I have to stop mid sentence from speaking because I’m literally about to cry and can’t concentrate on another single thing because my head feels like it’s going to explode. 

-The bloating is real. I thought I bloated bad before. I thought I retained water bad before. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Oh Kaylin, you’re so silly. Because on Clomid, you literally look like a beached whale no matter how many times your husband tells you you don’t. (Refer to my Facebook status yesterday of changing my outfit three different times. The struggle is real.)

-The emotions. Again, I thought I was emotional before? This month brought a whole new LEVEL of emotions. Im 1390921% convinced now I truly need a therapist. Anyone want to recommend one?! 

And the worst part about all of this? I get to do it all again next month! WHO IS EXCITED?!?!?! (I can tell you my husband is NOT raising his hand right now!) 

Clomid, you are a dirty little skank. Do your job and get the H out of my life. 
Who else has been on Clomid? Did you have side effects? Any of these maybe?? I’d love some insight/advice/encouragement/funny stories….anything at this point, really. 
I appreciate anyone who took the time to read this. I’m just venting at this point, as are all my blog posts. If you made it this far, you deserve a gold medal. I love you. 

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