The Year That Kicked My Ass

This year was tough. And I don’t mean tough like “I had a few rough days”, I mean tough like I cried majority of the year and I wish I was even halfway kidding when I say that.

I’ve been writing this post in my head for about a month or so. I wasn’t sure how much I wanted to say or what I wanted to share. (Trying to be respectful for all parties involved) I’ve always been vulnerable on here, that’s no secret….but something about actually writing things out is so scary. It is so so so scary.

We started out our year by celebrating two years of marriage. Now coming up on three years, it’s crazy to see how quickly these years have gone. I know it’s only three years, but woah! What a wild ride. We went on our first cruise and we spent a weekend in San Francisco. Great, GREAT memories from both of those trips!

Our sweet little girl turned six this year. One SASSY six year old she became this year.

We went camping, we fixed up our house, and we created wedding films. We did a lot of fun things. The year wasn’t ALL bad, but…the title of this is The Year That Kicked My Ass….so let’s get onto that part….it’s therapeutic for me. Disclaimer: I understand not everyone approves of talking about issues in your life openly on the internet. You do you and I’ll do me. This works for me.

I try my hardest not to dwell on the past or things that don’t make me happy, and TRUST ME, it is something I am working on. My husband will laugh at that sentence because of how much I DO dwell on things, but it’s one of my character flaws I hate most about myself. I am working on it. Just love me. It’s what I need most right now.

In August we found out we were pregnant. After almost two and a half years of trying, praying, and crying for a baby, we finally got our turn. This came right after going through the toughest few months in our marriage. Parts of our marriage I honestly didn’t know how to handle. I was over the moon about our pregnancy, but I couldn’t help but wonder “why?” What was God’s plan here? I honestly thought we were being Punk’d. Ashton?! Where are you? I told myself that God was telling us that our marriage was worth it. This was worth fighting for. This was his sign for us. But in October, when we miscarried, I again wondered what the plan was. Why me? Why us? It was so hard to wrap my head around. And honestly? It still is. It’s still hard. I know healing takes time, but when is it enough time? Will I ever fully “be over it”? Not that I ever need to be over the pain of losing a baby, but some days I don’t feel validated for my feelings. I am not sure who I think I need to answer to, but most days I feel like it is someone other than myself…

This year was a lot of self reflection. It was a lot of learning. It was a lot of growing.
It was a lot of crying and screaming and fighting and saying “I’m sorry” and taking a step back to see who I was becoming. It was hard. Admitting things like this is hard.
I think one of the hardest things for me to admit is when I have downfalls. But those are what make us human, right? If we never admit these things, do we ever give ourselves the chance to grow from them?

No. The answer is no.

This year was a year of growing. Growing as a couple, growing as a family, and growing as a person. Sometimes not in the direction I had hoped for, and that’s okay. I need to take time and realize that not everything is going to be perfect. Life isn’t picture perfect. There are mistakes to be had, there are lessons to be learned.

One thing I know though? Through all of this….I really got the better end of the deal. I geta loving husband. A husband who chooses me and a husband who chooses our marriage. A husband who loves me on my hardest days and laughs with me on the good days. A husband who doesn’t always see eye to eye with me, but challenges me to see things a different way while trying to understand where I’m coming from in the same breath.

Guys, this year kicked my ass. Emotionally, physically, mentally….everything. It wasn’t a year I was proud of. It wasn’t a year I did anything amazing. It wasn’t a year that I accomplished anything cool. It was, however, a year that taught me a lot, and that is worth celebrating.

2017 will be our year. It will be MY year. I have 5302920 ideas for blog posts, YouTube videos, EBooks (WHAT?!) Just roll with it….

I hope 2017 is amazing for all of you. I truly, truly mean that. I hope this next year challenges you, changes you for the better, and brings you lots of happiness and joy. As always, thank you for taking time out of your day to read my ramblings. Most of this blog doesn’t make sense, but for some reason I keep writing…I appreciate those of you who keep reading.

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