The Truth About My Life Right Now

Why do I do this to myself? I go months and months and months without blogging and totally kick myself in the ass for it.
Guys, the last few months of my life have been hard. I talked about 2016 in a recap in December and that was my last post. Depression is a silly biznatch like that. It makes you want to do nothing, see no one, and gives you literally NO motivation. But as a wife, mom, and full time employee, doing “nothing” isn’t an option. So I went through the motions, day in and day out, and guys…it was draining. It IS draining. As in currently, I AM DRAINED.

I have such a weird complex with blogging.
Do I want to blog? Absolutely. But do I feel pressured to dress the best, act the best, have the best? Absolutely. It’s so silly. So so so silly. I’m sick of feeling like I have “nothing to post”.

One thing I’ve learned about the internet is that there is ALWAYS room for you. I feel like a broken record when I say that, but it’s true. If you want to talk, pour your heart out, and put whatever the hell you want on the internet…GO FOR IT!

I’ve been at a really low point in my life. I thought after we miscarried I would have nothing to talk about. I felt like no one would be interested in anything else going on in my life. But do I blog for other people? Do I write for their satisfaction? Obviously not. I never have. So why would I start now?

The truth is…I’ve been in a major rut. I’m trying so hard to get out of it, because trust me when I say it is the worst thing I’ve ever gone through. I am so thankful for a supportive husband. And I don’t mean support like “oh yeah he loves and supports me”. I mean supportive like he recognizes my down days and can say to me “are you having a down day? Is there anything I can do? What do you need?” That to me is true love, and support, and a best friend. He really is my rock.

I am hoping to get in more of a routine with blogging. I can do this. This is my happy place and no matter how many times I stray from it, I always have a longing to come back. Something about writing clears both my head and my heart. So here’s to writing in 2017!

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The Year That Kicked My Ass

This year was tough. And I don’t mean tough like “I had a few rough days”, I mean tough like I cried majority of the year and I wish I was even halfway kidding when I say that.

I’ve been writing this post in my head for about a month or so. I wasn’t sure how much I wanted to say or what I wanted to share. (Trying to be respectful for all parties involved) I’ve always been vulnerable on here, that’s no secret….but something about actually writing things out is so scary. It is so so so scary.

We started out our year by celebrating two years of marriage. Now coming up on three years, it’s crazy to see how quickly these years have gone. I know it’s only three years, but woah! What a wild ride. We went on our first cruise and we spent a weekend in San Francisco. Great, GREAT memories from both of those trips!

Our sweet little girl turned six this year. One SASSY six year old she became this year.

We went camping, we fixed up our house, and we created wedding films. We did a lot of fun things. The year wasn’t ALL bad, but…the title of this is The Year That Kicked My Ass….so let’s get onto that part….it’s therapeutic for me. Disclaimer: I understand not everyone approves of talking about issues in your life openly on the internet. You do you and I’ll do me. This works for me.

I try my hardest not to dwell on the past or things that don’t make me happy, and TRUST ME, it is something I am working on. My husband will laugh at that sentence because of how much I DO dwell on things, but it’s one of my character flaws I hate most about myself. I am working on it. Just love me. It’s what I need most right now.

In August we found out we were pregnant. After almost two and a half years of trying, praying, and crying for a baby, we finally got our turn. This came right after going through the toughest few months in our marriage. Parts of our marriage I honestly didn’t know how to handle. I was over the moon about our pregnancy, but I couldn’t help but wonder “why?” What was God’s plan here? I honestly thought we were being Punk’d. Ashton?! Where are you? I told myself that God was telling us that our marriage was worth it. This was worth fighting for. This was his sign for us. But in October, when we miscarried, I again wondered what the plan was. Why me? Why us? It was so hard to wrap my head around. And honestly? It still is. It’s still hard. I know healing takes time, but when is it enough time? Will I ever fully “be over it”? Not that I ever need to be over the pain of losing a baby, but some days I don’t feel validated for my feelings. I am not sure who I think I need to answer to, but most days I feel like it is someone other than myself…

This year was a lot of self reflection. It was a lot of learning. It was a lot of growing.
It was a lot of crying and screaming and fighting and saying “I’m sorry” and taking a step back to see who I was becoming. It was hard. Admitting things like this is hard.
I think one of the hardest things for me to admit is when I have downfalls. But those are what make us human, right? If we never admit these things, do we ever give ourselves the chance to grow from them?

No. The answer is no.

This year was a year of growing. Growing as a couple, growing as a family, and growing as a person. Sometimes not in the direction I had hoped for, and that’s okay. I need to take time and realize that not everything is going to be perfect. Life isn’t picture perfect. There are mistakes to be had, there are lessons to be learned.

One thing I know though? Through all of this….I really got the better end of the deal. I geta loving husband. A husband who chooses me and a husband who chooses our marriage. A husband who loves me on my hardest days and laughs with me on the good days. A husband who doesn’t always see eye to eye with me, but challenges me to see things a different way while trying to understand where I’m coming from in the same breath.

Guys, this year kicked my ass. Emotionally, physically, mentally….everything. It wasn’t a year I was proud of. It wasn’t a year I did anything amazing. It wasn’t a year that I accomplished anything cool. It was, however, a year that taught me a lot, and that is worth celebrating.

2017 will be our year. It will be MY year. I have 5302920 ideas for blog posts, YouTube videos, EBooks (WHAT?!) Just roll with it….

I hope 2017 is amazing for all of you. I truly, truly mean that. I hope this next year challenges you, changes you for the better, and brings you lots of happiness and joy. As always, thank you for taking time out of your day to read my ramblings. Most of this blog doesn’t make sense, but for some reason I keep writing…I appreciate those of you who keep reading.

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An Open Letter To My Six Year Old

Dear Six Year Old,

I write these things because I want to remember them. If I could bottle you up right now and never let you grow, I would in a heartbeat. It literally pains me to know that each passing day is a day that you are getting older. But with each day you are also getting more wise, more beautiful, and more self-aware. 

I love that you have “found your voice”, even if that means yelling at me because I’ve asked you four times already to feed the dog. I love that you play dress up….46 times a day. I love that you watch me do my makeup most mornings and ask “when I’m your age, I want to play with pretty makeup, too.” 

I love when you first wake up and your tired little voice says “good morning”, followed by a hug that comes every morning like clock work. I love when I get off work and you come running to the door because you know I’m home, quickly followed by “what’s for dinner?” And no matter what I say it is, you respond with “I don’t like that!” I love you for that, I really really do. 

You have lost your two front teeth at six and I could sit and talk to you all day long. Your lisp right now is the cutest. You have also gained a lot of confidence since turning six. You love to sing and dance and I just know you feel the music to your core. You are a free spirit and I love that about you. 

I love doing prayers with you every night, even if for the past year you have prayed for TWO things….a dog that passed away and our babysitter with cancer. Speaking of Crystal, our beloved babysitter, you have such a heart for her and it makes me cry every time. Shopping in the grocery store you wanted to buy Crystal flowers “just because I think it will make her happy”. On the way to her house you explained to me that “even though flowers will die, we have our memories which we can look back on that make us smile.” You my sweet child have a heart of gold. 
You really, really do. 

You have a heart of gold. A sweeter spirit than anyone I know. A smile that could light up a room. A laugh that is contagious. A hug that heals. A passion for life bigger than most adults I know. You make me proud. 

I love when I say “my back hurts” and you jump up to “give it rubs”, even if its just tiny little fingers scratching my back. You know just how to make me smile. 

My sweet girl, I love you. I hope you never ever forget or question that. We say “I love you” 4,392 times a day, but I hope you never forget that I truly love you more than anything in this world. 

I love you at six. 

Mom of a Six Year Old

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Gratitude Journal

This isn’t an easy post for me to write and that’s not because I just got my nails done and typing is ridiculously hard. I knew at some point I wanted to talk about certain things going on in my life, but I never knew when would be the “right time”. 

Though I don’t want to go into massive detail right this second, life has been kind of crappy lately. By “lately” I mean the last 6 months or so. I can’t get “happy”. It’s like I’m in a constant battle with myself to be happy. Sounds ridiculous, right? I know, you don’t have to tell me. My life is beautiful, I am blessed with more than I could dream of, and all in all, I should never be depressed a day in my life. But the truth is, I am. 
Each week I am going to start doing a “Gratitude Journal”. I think it is so so important to have positive thoughts and energy and this is something I truly want to work on. I want to work on ME. I want to be the best mother and wife I can be, and that starts with ME. I’ve got to change something. 
I thought about sharing something about this on Facebook, but it deserves so much more than just a status. Like I said, my life is beautiful. Why should I out of all people be unhappy?! We have a home, vehicles, jobs…etc. 
I so badly want to soak this all in and TRULY be grateful. 
So here goes a little story:
If you know me, you know I’m a little more emotional than the average person. I’ve talked about it before, but I cry… a lot. Too happy…crying. Too sad…crying. So lets talk about the times I feel MOST blessed. Grocery shopping. I know, I know. What?! But it’s true. I go to the grocery story and truly get to buy anything I want without stressing. We get to eat good healthy food, we’ve never had an empty fridge, and if we run out of something we can ALWAYS go back to the store and get a refill. I feel so blessed that we get to live our life like that because I know so many others don’t. 9 times out of 10 when I check out at the grocery store, I start crying. (Those poor cashiers.) Not a full blown bawling cry, but tears are shed. Every time I check out I can’t believe I get to live the life I live and eat the food we do. (This sounds so much more silly now that i’m typing it out, but I still wanted to share!) 
With this “Gratitude Journal”, I want to reflect on the week and just truly take time to be mindful and grateful for things that have taken place. 
So let’s recap:
-Baby girl had her 6th birthday party and I am so grateful I have amazing in-laws who hosted it at their home and that so many of our siblings, plus both our parents got to be there. Family time is so special. 
– This past week at work went by SO fast. And for that, I am grateful. Hashtag blessed. 
– I took an ice cold shower tonight (after a hot bath), but for some reason I was so thankful for clean water and the bath was amazing. 
– The ability to “feel”. This isn’t a place I ever thought I would find myself in emotionally, but I am thankful for these emotions. I am thankful I am aware. I am thankful I am making changes.
I also would love to start reading some “self love/inspiration” books. Do you have any suggestions? I have a few I want to order, but I love getting feedback from others! 
I am so excited to be starting this “series”. 
I hope to post every sunday night, in hopes of preparing myself for a good, positive week. 
I hope you all are doing well! I’ve been absent for some time, but sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do. I love you all! Thank you for taking the time to read this. <3 
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The Day We Became A Family

This is something I haven’t really talked much about on the blog because I didn’t know if it was “appropriate”. I was afraid someone would be mad that I was sharing this part of our life. However, this summer one of the biggest moments of our life took place and with it being National Adoption Month, I wanted to share our story. Although our adoption story isn’t like the “traditional” stories, it’s OURS and I wanted to share it. 

I wrote a post awhile back called The Dad He Didn’t Have To Be. All of that post is still true to this day, except one major thing has changed since writing that post. M officially became a dad, on paper, as of July 16th, 2015. Baby girl was adopted and it was one of the best days of my entire life. We have always been a family. Since day one, we’ve been a family. Something about having it “official on paper” was life changing. All three of us now share the same last name. How exciting is that?!

It’s a big step to decide to adopt someones child. You are stepping up and taking on all responsibility for that child, NO MATTER WHAT. M told me that he never second guessed his decision. I know God brought him into our life to not only be my husband, but to be the fully devoted and present father baby girl deserves. 

I missed out on a lot of things having a baby at 19. One of those things were newborn pictures. Everyone these days has the cutest pictures of their new baby cub in adorable poses and cheesy outfits. With big changes happening in our family, such as baby girl getting officially adopted, we wanted to do something special to commemorate the occasion. So, we staged a newborn photo shoot. With a five year old. HAHA! I may not have gotten these pictures when she was little, but we have them now that we’re a family of three. Yes, this is meant to be silly. But we also got some amazing family shots out of it and we love them SO much! 

We have loved this process, we have loved the changes, and we loved doing this shoot. 

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When Your 5 Year Old Hates You

It’s been such a fun week. Like the kind of week you just want to keep having over and over and over again! 
The kind of week where your dryer breaks, then your fridge, then your hot water heater…all in the matter of four days. AFTER you just bought your fridge off craigslist and paid an unhealthy amount of money for it. And your in-laws drive 4 hours each way to pick it up. And you stocked it full of groceries. 

And then tonight happens. 

We had just finished dinner and baby girl tried “salad” (which was ONE piece of lettuce with NOTHING on it because she dabbed it off with a napkin) therefore we let her have a push-up. YAY PARENTS! 
She was clearly having some kind of technical difficulties because it almost came out the bottom, then when we got that sorted out, she shot it through the top, causing it to go all over herself. This trigged an all out melt down. (Mind you, there was maybe TWO bites left of this stupid ice cream.)

I abruptly scooped it off of her and ran it to the trash can to throw it away. After BEGGING for another push-up and me telling her no, the full blown SCREAMING started. Enter daddy. He seems to be a great mediator for us women in the house. Bless his heart. 

After realizing we were not going to cave about getting another push-up, baby girl screamed those three words i’ve been dreading to hear. I. HATE. YOU. Followed by a lot of “YOU GUYS ARE SO MEAN!” 
But mainly….I. HATE. YOU. 

M and I were both silent. And then I cried. 

Do other parents remember the time their kid said those words? Am I a bad parent for having my FIVE year old say that to me?!? I feel like a total failure! 

Our child is spoiled. She is spoiled rotten but she also has boundaries which I thought were great. We aren’t push overs but we truly give her the world. I think that’s why this is so devastating to me. I’ve feared this day more than I could have imagined and now it’s here. The words are said. Her and I have since talked about it, which I think helped, but i’m still shattered. I’ve wanted nothing but to provide the best and be the best. I clearly fell short of that tonight. We are good parents. We have a good life and a good home and we have a good family. How could she POSSIBLY hate us?! I know it’s just something kids say, but man it hurts. It hurts so bad. 

I’ve always told M that I hope ONE DAY baby girl can appreciate all we’ve done for her. We have truly gone through hell and back for that girl. We’ve fought for her, we’ve fought for our family, we’ve fought for HER happiness and wellbeing. I know she’s only five and i’m probably blowing this all out of proportion, but for some odd reason I want to remember this day. I want to remember this moment. That’s why blogging and putting your life on the internet is so great. I can go back and read exactly how I was feeling, what I was thinking, what we were doing with our life….

Man… I. HATE. YOU. 
What STRONG words. 
I hope from this moment forward we can teach her better. And show her a better love. And just surround her with the kind of positivity and love she needs in the moments of a melt down. 

Parenting is hard work. Anyone who says it isn’t, they are LYING. 
If you are a parent and reading this, please don’t forget how bad ass you are. You’ve got this. Even on your roughest days, YOU’VE GOT THIS. Try your hardest. Life your best life. And love those little souls you brought into this world more than anything. It’s tough. It’s so so so tough. But at the end of the day, it is so so SO worth it. Even on the bad days. Even on the days like today. 

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Am I Really Posting This?

The life of a blogger is a weird one. You put so much of your life on the internet and hope that people don’t rip apart your every move. In an effort to keep your blog going good, most people post lots of fun, uplifting, heart-happy posts. I love doing that myself, but I also like being real. I like posting about what truly is happening in my life. I feel like in doing that, the people who read my blog have a more personal connection with me and I absolutely LOVE that. 

I have a lot of things I don’t blog about. In an odd sense though, I wish I did blog about them. Blogging is my therapy. I also have a lot of “unpopular opinions” about things. This post is dedicated to all those things. Sit tight, buckle up, and prepare yourself for a side of me you’ve never seen….

>>>I thought that at some point after moving to the middle of nowhere USA I would regret it. I can wholeheartedly say I have yet to regret it. Not even once. 

>>>I’m 95% sure I suffer from depression.

>>>”If i’m not between a 3 and a 7 on the emotion scale, i’m crying.” If you know what that reference is from, we can be friends. Also, it is 100% true that if I’m not somewhere in that range, i’m crying. Too happy…crying. Too sad…crying. It’s a fun trait to have. My husband especially loves it. (Poor guy)

>>>I actually don’t agree with women whipping their boobies out and breastfeeding with no coverup. I understand they are feeding their child, but why not cover up?!? (I know i’ll get a lot of hate for this one. Sue me.)

>>>I have chronic fatigue and it is the thing I am the most insecure about (besides my complexion). Everyone that knows me knows that I take naps more than my child and most of the time I’m in bed by 8 pm. I hate that about myself. Sometimes I literally CANNOT physically keep my eyes open. People mock me about it all the time and I know it’s all in good fun, but it is something I am truly embarrassed about and absolutely hate. 

>>>The smell of ketchup after it’s been sitting on a plate is literally the most disgusting smell in the entire universe. Like to the point where it makes me gag. 

>>>I think about death every. single. day. And not in a “I hate life and I think about dying” kind of way. Just every day I wonder if this is the day i’m going to get into a fatal car crash or if someone is going to invade my home and shoot me. 

>>>I think a “stay at home wife” is the biggest joke. What do you do all day when you don’t have kids?!

Well folks, there it is. A few things I thought I would never post on my blog. Feel free to judge me, or feel free to comment below and let me know if you relate to any of these things! I truly appreciate every single one of you who took the time to read this post. It wasn’t an easy one for me to post, but i’m happy I did. 

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What It’s Really Like “Trying For A Baby”

You know, trying to get pregnant is a lot harder than I ever imagined. 

I know what you’re all thinking, “Quit using protection & wham, bam, thank you ma’am you’re pregnant” 
HA! If ONLY it were that simple. 

I know part of my problem is that I was naive to think anything could ever be wrong, or this would take us any time at all. Maybe naive is the wrong word? It’s not like you go into “trying” for a baby and think “hey, this might not work out”, but still….I should have emotionally prepared myself that this might take a few months. 

A few months have passed, and a few more, and then a few more on top of that. 
Have you seen any baby posts from me? Do you see a pregnancy announcement anywhere on my social media pages? Ya, you can guess how this whole “making a baby” thing is going for us. 

Part of this post is just for my own sanity, seeing as I feel like there is no one to talk to about this stupid, emotion filled subject. It’s that one of the many awesome things that come along with being a woman? So emotional about so many different things. I apologize for the rambling. Bless my husband though, he puts up with me like a CHAMP. 
(I love you, baby) 

You see, the thing about “trying” for a baby is this: you are so filled with emotion each and every month. It goes a little something like this…
*YES! THIS IS OUR MONTH! I FEEL IT! I JUST KNOW IT!* ……… *wait, wait, wait* *………get your period*
I see it so many times on the internet “better late than pregnant” or “i’ll take cramps over a baby any day” and all I can do when I get my period is cry. (Like literally bawl on the floor but that is because of the pain I get with it and all my endometriosis side effects and that is a post all in its own. And cry because i’m not pregnant. They go hand in hand.) 

There hasn’t been a month since “trying” that I haven’t cried. There hasn’t been a month without thinking “what is wrong with me?!” There hasn’t been a month without thinking “what am I doing wrong?!” There hasn’t been a month where I’m not filled with anger, and depression, and sadness, and every emotion in-between. And before you even DARE say “that’s not helping your case” I FREAKING KNOW THAT. I know it’s not helping that I stress about it and/or get upset about it. I KNOW that our time will come, but it sure as hell doesn’t make it ANY easier. 

Like how I keep saying “trying”? I have ALWAYS been that person who thinks it’s SO weird when people tell others that they are trying to a baby. Like “HEY, WE’RE HAVING SEX AND WANT PEOPLE TO KNOW ABOUT IT!” THAT. IS. AWKWARD. But you know what? I’m over it. I’m over caring what other people think. 

This was more of a rambling post as stated above. Sometimes I need this. Sometimes I just need to let my mind wander and let it do the typing. That’s the funny and great thing about blogging. This is my little place on the internet where I can come and just be real and be me.
 Read if you wish, hate me if you want to, but either way, this is my place

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Why I’m Scared To Have More Kids

Do I want more kids? Absolutely. More than anything in this world. 
However, there is a part of me that is scared. Terrified, really. 

Now hold on, before you judge me and tell me i’m crazy, see things from my perspective…

I got pregnant a few months before I turned 19. 
I went through hell with this pregnancy. From family to friends, every dynamic of my life changed. 
This isn’t a “poor me” post, i’m just being real and talking about things on my heart and mind. 

I refused to be like every other teen parent I knew. I refused to be apart of every statistic out there. (Did you know 25% of teen moms get pregnant again before their first child is two?!) I refused to give people a reason to question my parenting or my decision to keep my baby. 
I wanted to be different. I didn’t want to have to live off government assistance. I didn’t want to have my parents raise my child. I didn’t want to be so many things associated with being a “teen mom”. 

For three years of baby girls life, it was just me and her. Yes, we had my family, but in terms of OUR FAMILY, it was just me and her. She grew into my best friend and my biggest motivator. It was a big step meeting M and knowing our entire dynamic would change. Part of me felt guilty. Was she getting the time and attention she wanted/needed? Did she feel like I was replacing her? I never once hid baby girl from M, so from the beginning she was involved in our relationship. However, in the back of my mind I always wondered how SHE felt. 
Luckily, from day one she fell in love with him. 

Now we’re here. We’re at the point in our life where we are ready to add more kids to our family. But how READY am I? Like I said, I’m terrified. I’m terrified of almost every aspect of it. 
I’m afraid of being pregnant and actually being “allowed to be happy”. I’m afraid I will forget how to be a mom to a newborn. I’m afraid I won’t love another kid as much as I love baby girl. 
Am I terrible for saying that? I KNOW I want more kids, there’s no question about that. But nonetheless, I AM SCARED. I am afraid of unknowns and I am afraid of uncharted waters. 

{I’ll love you forever, I’ll like you for always. As long as i’m living, my baby you’ll be.}

Has anyone every felt this way? I’d love to hear feed back or personal experience. 
Thanks y’all for reading and for letting my blog be a place where I can open up and share true and honest feelings. I can never say thank you enough for that. 

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